Mary and Martha Revisted (addendum from 2012)

I always hated the Sunday school lesson on “choosing the better part,” using the example in the Bible of Mary and Martha in Luke 10. The story goes like this: Mary and Martha are hosting Jesus, and Martha is running around trying to get everything done, cleaning, cooking, whatever. She's frustrated that Mary is just sitting there talking with Jesus while she does all the work, and she asks Jesus to get Mary to help her. But instead, "Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things. But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."

This story always made me mad because I felt like I was more like Martha being unjustly rebuked. I was always running around trying to get everything done. I didn’t used to be frustrated or resentful of being the one that did all the work around the house because I got it done faster and more efficiently than anyone else. And, quite frankly, it was much more helpful if my husband kept the children out of my hair while I cooked dinner or cleaned the house or whatever it was that needed to be done. Besides, I enjoyed the work and I felt it was my job as the stay-at-home-mom to do it all while my husband’s job was to work outside the home to provide for us.

Still, I always thought it unfair that Martha was chastised for working. Weren't we always told that faith without works is dead? That means that the doing is just as important as the learning/believing. I always thought, "Why can't both Jesus and Mary get up and help Martha with dinner (or whatever it was she was working on) and they could all talk together about what Jesus was teaching them while they worked." I distinctly remember a church video about quality time where the dad was painting a fence with his son and they were talking together the whole time.  What's wrong with that?  Doesn't working together facilitate conversation and bonding?

As I was preparing my lesson for church on time management, this story came to mind because I was incorporating the importance of making time for spiritual things, relaxing, slowing down, and even doing nothing. I wanted them to know that some things were more important than those on your to-do list. And it was then that I realized what Jesus was really trying to tell Mary:

Stop what you are doing and give me your undivided attention. When I say I want quality time, I don't want you to multi-task. Get off the computer, close your book, face me, and listen to what I have to say. Time management isn't about how much you can cram in. Time management is about priorities, and sometimes, people come first.  When I spend time with you, I want to spend time with you.  Sometimes, the activity interferes with concentrated attention.  Focus on being fully present without distraction.

When I first got married, my husband got frustrated with me that I would start cleaning house and cooking dinner as soon as I walked in the door from work.  All he wanted me to do was lay down next to him on the couch and cuddle, but I felt like I didn't have time.  10 years later, when I realized this was still a problem I had, it was time to tone down my Type A personality.  I couldn’t go back in time and reclaim that couch, but I could learn to slow down and give my undivided attention to the important people in my life.

Upon further reflection, I also realized that it wasn’t just distracted attention but the fact that I put things-to-do above people-to-connect-with.  I felt like I didn’t have the time or money to spend on people when I was so busy with my household responsibilities and meeting the functional needs of my family. But there are times when a person needs your listening ear rather than a helping hand.  This was driven home to me not by my family but by people I met through dance.  I would go to the studio of a dancer to practice once or twice a week while my kids were at school, but I would get frustrated that instead of focusing on dancing, the man would spend at least half of that precious practice time standing there telling me all about his drama with women.  As I began to teach dance in the studio where I gained employment, I learned this was not uncommon.  While the movement of dance was therapeutic in many ways, it also facilitated conversation for clients who needed someone to talk to, which was therapeutic in a different way.  Many appointments were spent listening to my students talk about what was going on in their lives rather than actually dancing.  Interestingly enough, none of the paying clients felt cheated of their dance lessons.  What they got out of the time they spent with me was my attention and my company.  It occurred to me that some of these people had no one at home to talk to, and even those that did have family at home may not have had anyone that actually took the time to listen to them.

Ironically, I was one of those people too.  Even though my husband and kids were not busy like Martha while at home, they were also not attentively connected with each other like Mary either.  I became lonely for the same reason my dance partners and students used up their time with me just talking: I craved connection.  My kids wanted to stare at screens and threw temper tantrums when not allowed.  My husband wanted to still remain unconscious on the couch.  Like Martha, my request for help went unheeded.  I could join them in their unconscious world but I still felt emotionally disconnected from them in front of a screen or silently physical.  It is no wonder our society is addicted to social media, as they cannot seem to connect with people in the same room.

To this day, I am frustrated that I cannot get assistance from my family and it seems that my to-do list has grown even more so that by the time the weekend arrives, we don’t have any time to play because we have to catch up on the week’s worth of unfinished chores and errands.  However, I do try to arrange time away from the house and force ourselves to unplug from technology and make myself stop working.  (Unfortunately, nothing could be done about the zombie-state of my now-ex-husband who chose to stay on the couch.)

The problem that Jesus tried to warn Martha about was more than just disconnection.  An equally problematic consequence of constant work was claiming responsibility that wasn’t necessarily hers.  By volunteering to take on all of the work herself, even if by default due to the laziness or neglect of her sister, Martha risked developing a victim mentality that bred resentment.  Why did Martha have to do everything while Mary got to sit idly at Jesus’ feet?  Why did I have to do all the management of running a household while everyone else relaxed in unconsciousness?  Indeed, I did go through a period of several years when my burdens were so great and my support nonexistent that I became angry and resentful.

At first reading of this story in the Bible, it seemed that Mary was like my husband who wanted to relax on the couch because Martha enabled her to shirk her responsibilities by doing everyone’s share of the work.  But perhaps Mary was not lazy at all but rather had her priorities in order.  Our lists of tasks will never be finished, and if we wait till everything is crossed off before we give our attention to spiritual matters or the loved ones in our lives, the time will never arrive.  Mary chose the better part because she put Jesus first, taking care of her spiritual and personal relationships first.  While slothfulness is one of the “seven deadly sins,” people are more important than getting things done.  The moral of the story of Mary and Martha, whichever angle you take, is priorities.  Are you satisfied with the results of where you spend your time?