Preoccupation with Death

I was pregnant with James the first time I dreamed about Rex dying. I dreamed it a LOT during that pregnancy. He didn't always die the same way, but it had me scared of losing him in real life, even though I knew it was only a dream. I chalked it up to weird pregnancy hormones, especially when the dreams continued during the next two pregnancies and only haunted me a couple times in between.

After my last child was born, I continued to be plagued by these dreams. They seemed to become more real. I'd cry in my sleep and wake up feeling like he truly was gone. It was always hard to fall back asleep, and sometimes I needed him to hold me just to prove to my physical senses that he was real. The dreams have increased over time, so much so that I still have them about twice a month. I have absolutely no fear that Rex would leave me, as in divorce, although I have had one or two of those types of nightmares as well. But the fear of losing him has become relentless.

I know that families are forever. I know that if my husband died, it would not mean the death of my marriage. I know that I would see him again and would still remain his wife. But that is absolutely no comfort to me who would not want to remain here without him. How lonely life would be without my best friend! The knowledge of life continuing after death does no good when I'd be living apart from him. And how terrible it would be that my kids would be fatherless!

The dreams have been so real and so frequent that after another episode, I can't push it out of my mind and I obsess over "what would I do if I really lost him?" I wouldn't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I couldn't imagine wanting anyone else. How would I be able to find a husband as good as Rex? What man would want to marry a widow who thought he could never measure up to her previous husband? I would be doomed to walk the earth alone for the rest of my mortal life!

Furthermore, I would be financially wasted. I was terribly worried about the fact that we didn't have life insurance, and as soon as Rex was employed again, I insisted on buying life insurance. One reason I am agitated by the fact that I still have not earned my degree is because I feel no one will hire you without that all-important paper, and I am completely unprepared with it if tragedy should befall. Not that an English degree would land me a job, but the mere Bachelors would grant me the minimum qualifications. That is why my plan has become to jump into St. Phillips College to become an electrician or plumber if I did indeed lose my husband. ...and I still have this nagging feeling of urgency to prepare a will.

After Granny died this summer, and as Grandpa's death looms in the near future, and as Mike endures his terminal illness, my anxiety over death has grown. I try to repress it, but the nightmares persist. Sometimes I wonder if it is a sign and I should heed the warnings and do more to prepare. It is then that I feel the necessity to visit a funeral home and make those arrangements so that it wouldn't have to be done in the midst of mourning. Then I think how morbid I've become and that I need psychological help. My husband isn't going anywhere and I have no reason to worry. And even if he did die, I would be okay in the end.