Love Scale

Until recently, I always felt guilty about the apparent imbalance of love in my marriage. I thought Rex loved me more than I loved him because he didn't have any wants of his own and only cared about my happiness. While I did care about his happiness, I felt selfish because I had desires of my own that did not involve him. I felt delinquent in my ability to give myself to him because I knew that he was a passionate individual that felt more deeply than I did and I just felt like he was capable of loving more intensely than me.

However, as we have dealt with a rather large hurdle, I have learned that love cannot be measured. While I feel that his love for me is unconditional, I have realized that his ability to give to me is not infinite either. Since we have different love languages, it is difficult for us both to speak it in ways that the other needs and understands. I didn't realize how little he was speaking my love language because, like most of us in the Mormon culture, I felt it was all my fault. I found that while I was largely responsible for what we were going through, he too shared in it as my love tank had been running on empty for so long and had gone undetected. I believed that my happiness was my sole responsibility and should not depend on someone else's ability to replenish it, while he believed that, as the Priesthood holder, he was accountable to the Lord for my happiness. The trial we have faced has put things back into perspective and I have found that if love can be measured at all, it isn't by how much one gives but by how much one can satisfy and be satisfied, and those levels of satisfaction are relative.

Many people have told me in recent years that they admire our relationship. They say that we give them hope of finding a real, loving companionship in a society where it appears none really exist. They can see how much Rex adores me and how much I do for him, and we both talk each other up when we speak to others. Maybe it is because of the perception of others that I too believed we had an ideal marriage. And we do indeed have something wonderful. But the pedestal is too high and too unrealistic. We are not perfect and therefore do not have a perfect marriage. No one does.

I once said to someone that no one person can be everything you need. I don't know if that is true or not. But I have learned from this experience that there needs to be more than just a balance of give and take between partners. I think we both gave up too much of ourselves for the sake of each others' happiness. I know I gave up everything I ever wanted in life when I married Rex and gave him children. He always told me that all his ambitions were dashed due to other circumstances before he ever met me, so he had no direction when he met me, and I think all his aspirations focused on providing physically and emotionally for his family. Since he never provided for himself, and because I neglected myself, we used up everything we had and became too empty to fill each others' love tanks.

So many church lessons talk about the source of happiness being in the service of others. A friend of mine always does little acts of service for others whenever she is feeling depressed. Matthew 10:39 says "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it," which follows that if we serve others, we are really serving God, and in so doing, we will find lasting peace and joy. Thus, Rex and I have always believed that if we put our spouse's needs and wants before our own, both will always feel satisfied and happy. But lately, I have come to question that logic. I have decided it is a combination of satisfying our companions needs as well as our own; we are both responsible for each others' happiness. You cannot neglect yourself and expect the other to buoy you up.

I no longer feel guilty that I don't know how to give him more because he doesn't either. I believe we are currently at Ground Zero and the love scale is equal. I'm not sure how we will be able to refill our own tanks in order to have something to give the other, especially since happiness is such an elusive feeling. I don't know how to reclaim my goals while still meeting the needs of the family, and he doesn't know what his goals even are beyond the family. But at least I now know what I'm missing and what I need to find happiness.