Several months ago, while I was still the librarian at church, I was making copies of a color code personality test for someone's lesson. I was curious what it would say about me, so I took home a copy and took the test. There were only 4 colors, 2 of which seemed negative. Reds were power hungry, stubborn workaholics. Blues were loving, honest good-Samaritans. Whites were easy-going, doormat peace-keepers. And yellows were self-centered, irresponsible, fun-loving adventurers. According to that quiz, I was very red with a tinge of blue. Rex was very blue with a tinge of white. I hated what it said about me. After all the effort I'd put forth to stop being a control-freak, perfectionist, insensitive jerk, apparently being goal-oriented and proactive makes it impossible to be nice. It made me wish I was more like Rex, the sweet, kind-hearted, nice guy I was trying so hard to emulate but must still failing to become. I thought the yellows had all the fun, but I could never be like that since, in order to have fun, you had to be outgoing, flighty, obnoxious, unrealistic, and amoral (according to the quiz).
A friend of ours had developed his own color personality quiz. His quiz is more about what motivates people to act the way they do. He asks why the chicken crossed the road, and your answers are:
a. because it's the right thing to do (Gold)
b. because he weighed the choices and decided it was best for him (Green)
c. because his friends were over there (Blue)
d. because he thought it would be fun to dodge the cars (Yellow)
According to that quiz, I was Green (B) and Rex was Blue (C). Again, yellow was portrayed as thoughtless and thrill-seeking.
Happiness has always been elusive for me. If I am so red in the first color quiz, you'd think that getting things done on my check-list, completing projects, and winning races would make me feel fulfilled and happy. To a degree, it does. But a BIG something is still missing. You'd think that if I were so Green (B) in the second color quiz, I would be content with the decisions I made and the outcomes, thereby finding peace and happiness. But again, that only works to a degree.
The post I wrote on Personal Radiation made me think that people had a natural energy that they emitted as an aura. This idea intrigued me so I googled it and camed across Pamala Oslie's Life Colors. Uncharacteristically, I took the quiz because her explanations made a whole lot more sense than any of these other New Age mumbo-jumbo had. In fact, it was so logical that it appealed to my analytical brain and gave me a better sense of who I was.
According to the quiz, my aura colors are: yellow, sensitive tan, and violet. I never would have labeled myself a yellow, but when I read on her website about how people sometimes suppress their natural colors because of family pressures, expectations, or cultural conformity, I started to see how that might be true of myself. Below, I will cut and past the descriptions of my colors found on her website:
YELLOW
Yellows are the most fun-loving, free-spirited, energetic, and childlike personalities in the aura spectrum. Yellows are wonderful, sensitive, optimistic beings, whose life purpose is to bring joy to people, to have fun, and to help heal the planet.
Yellows can either be very shy and sensitive, or they can be the life of the party. These playful characters have a great sense of humor. They love to laugh and to make others laugh. Yellows believe life is to be enjoyed. They like to live life freely and spontaneously. With a perpetual smile on their face, they remind people to not take themselves or their problems too seriously.
Yellows would prefer not to work at all, unless their work was fun, playful, or creative. They love nature, and often have concerns for the survival of wildlife and the environment.
I may not be funny, silly, or the life of the party like Rex used to be, but you cannot deny the things I highlighted above. She goes on to say that yellows don't like being told what to, shy away from commitment/being tied down. They are restless and like adventure and want a playmate. Growing up, I just wanted someone to do things with, preferably just one person. But it always felt like people just wanted to sit around and watch movies when I wanted to go explore. That's why I loved hanging out with Mike Stevenson so much when I was 15; he was up for anything I wanted to do, and while we were too young to date, that was just a technicality. Let's face it: guys are just more fun than girls. Yes, I liked him more than just a friend, but I would have been thrilled if he'd been a girl because I'd have finally found someone to play with! I never allowed anyone to claim the title of boyfriend until maybe after the fact; in my head, that label meant commitment and seriousness, and the end to carefree fun. Dating, for me, was for fun, not for finding love. In high school, Jenny thought I was weird because of this mentality, especially as boy crazy as I was!
And then when I met Rex, it was like I'd finally found a playmate again! When I knew he was playing for keeps, I got scared and ran, especially since I felt like I hadn't had the chance to live life yet, but I decided to let him keep me because I thought life with him would be a never-ending fun adventure. I remember that in the card I gave to him on his birthday following our wedding, I said that, despite him being 7 years my senior, marrying him would keep me young at heart. I didn't see in myself the fun-loving, spirited person Rex saw in me; I only knew he was fun. Somehow, along the highway of life, both of us lost our sense of merriment and suppressed the yellow in ourselves. I honestly believe that the reason I find happiness so elusive is because this is what I am missing! How many times have I said "I just wanna have fun!" or "The scriptures tell us that men are that they might have joy, not fun. But I want fun, not joy!" Keep in mind, I don't find kid things fun like Pokemon or Candyland. But jumping into a pile of leaves, rolling down a grassy hill, shooting basketball hoops, or spinning on the teacups ride is lots of fun.
SENSITIVE TANTan is my responsible side: logical, reliable, patient with things, list-making, money management, detail-oriented. Rex appreciates that I'm grounded like this, since he is not. This is how I was raised. I credit Mike (step-dad) for this side of me. (Tan would be why I am B [green] in the second quiz I mentioned about the reason the chicken crossed the road.) However, this need to work supersedes my craving for fun so much that it has squelched all the yellow out of me. I realize that tan and yellow is a good combination as long as they are balanced.
The Sensitive Tan is the bridge between the mental colors and the emotional colors. Their personalities are a subtle combination of the mental Tan qualities and the emotional Blue qualities.
Sensitive Tans incorporate the characteristics of mental, analytical logic with loving and intuitive compassion. These gentle personalities are quiet, sensitive and supportive. They prefer, like Logical Tans, to maintain a rational, intellectual foundation while they analytically process data.
Sensitive Tans are more emotional and intuitive than Logical Tans, but they tend to keep their feelings to themselves. When a problem arises, Sensitive Tans will retreat inside to figure out the most practical solution.
VIOLET
Violets are the inspirational visionaries, leaders and teachers who are here to help save the planet. Most Violets feel drawn to educate the masses, to inspire higher ideals, to improve the quality of life on the planet, or to help save people, animals and the environment.
All Violets have an inner sense that they are here to do something important, that their destiny is greater than that of the average person. Most Violets have felt this way since childhood. As children, many Violets imagined becoming famous, or traveling the planet, possibly joining humanitarian causes such the Peace Corp. Many of these charismatic personalities take on roles as leaders and teachers, while other Violets prefer to reach people through music, film, writing, or other art form.
Because this era is currently the "Violet Age," any Violets who are not accomplishing what they came here to do are experiencing an inner “push” — even an inner “earthquake.” Inner forces seem to be shaking them up and pushing them to move into action, to fulfill their life purpose. Violets know they are here to do something significant. However, they aren't always sure what that something is or how to accomplish it.
Many Violets were taught as children that their dreams and aspirations were unrealistic, so they have lost touch with their original visions. It's important for Violets to reconnect with their life purpose and vision, and to take action. Otherwise they will always feel unfulfilled. They will always sense something is missing from their lives. Violets need to learn to slow down long enough to listen to their inner voice and to connect with their higher vision.
I'll just repeat: traveling, Peace Corp, environmentalism, writing -- some of the things I had planned on doing until I got married. Slow down and connect with a purpose. I always need a reason for doing something. I am not an artist and I don't have any desire to be #1, but I do want to make a difference in life. I'd prefer to do that in writing. This too I believe I have squashed because I feel like I don't have time to devote to any of those causes; my cause should be my children and only my children.
Both Rex and I, according to that color spectrum, are yellow and violet. Instead of sensitive tan, he is blue. See below for the description and you will agree it describes him to a tee. (Blue would be the reason why Rex is C [blue] in the second quiz about why the chicken crossed the road.)
BLUE
Blues are some of the most loving, nurturing and supportive personalities of the Life Colors. They live from their heart and emotions. Their purpose for being on the planet is to give love, to teach love and to learn that they are loved. Their priorities are love, relationships, and spirituality.
Blues are traditionally teachers, counselors, and nurses---basically the loving, nurturers and caretakers on the planet. Blues are constantly helping others. They want to make sure that everyone feels loved and accepted. People are always turning to Blues for comfort and counsel because Blues will always be there for them. They consistently provide a shoulder for others to cry on.
Blues are the most emotional personalities in the aura spectrum. They can cry at the drop of a hat. Blues cry when they are happy, hurt, angry, sad, or for no apparent reason at all. Even watching a sentimental commercial on television can bring on tears.
Let me back up a bit: During the dark years, when Rex was working full-time and going to school full-time, and I was alone with the kids all day and all night, when James would scream 24/7 because he was developmentally behind and couldn't communicate, when Megan was a fussy baby who refused to nurse or take a bottle, when I was pregnant with an unwanted 3rd child, when I didn't see the sun for weeks on end and the Oklahoma ice storms would shut down the town and kill the electricity -- I looked everywhere for a reason to smile. I increased my efforts to serve others (as much as a pregnant woman with 2 screaming babies could) and I increased my efforts to study the scriptures and pray and strengthen my relationship with God. I read every how-to-be-happy book I could find. I made lists of things I was thankful for. I forced myself to smile and pretend because the self-help books told me all I had to do was choose to be happy. It didn't work. I was still drowning. I believed, and still do believe, that you cannot find light when there isn't any. No one could accuse me of not trying. But I couldn't change my circumstances. The same was true when Rex was unemployed or when he was underemployed in Houston. Life sucked and no amount of positive thinking could overcome the darkness.
It was a relief to finally hear someone in General Conference admit that it is okay not to be happy during unhappy circumstances, that sometimes you can only endure until those circumstances change. I don't think that Ivan Denizovich was happy, but he was able to find a way to sustain himself during those awful days in the camp. Times for me and my family are so much better these days. The kids are older and, while they cry and fight, they are not the little gremlins they once were, and I am no longer in Hell. Rex has finally found a job in which he feels appreciated and pays almost sufficiently. Still, we both feel mired by a life of drudgery we can't do anything about. Why? I figured I was still failing at being content with life.
To try to find contentment, there are several quotes I repeat to myself.
But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.And the second is this:
Alma 29:3
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. Most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old-time rail journey — delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."
--Jenkins Lloyd Jones
First of all, those quotes always make me feel like a rotten ungrateful little complainer that could never be content no matter what. The thing is, I think that if we were content with how life was, we would have no motivation to do anything or make any changes. I have a lot of ambitions and am self-motivated, and if I just sit on my hands, I get incredibly antsy and irritable. Why in the world is it sinful to want more for myself? Why is it wrong to want to make something happen? Why is it terrible to want to have fun?
Secondly, while I know that a lot of life is made up of lots of stuff we don't want to do but have to do, it doesn't have to be all work and no play. It shouldn't be. I have come to resent the railroad analogy because I don't think it has to be a dull and boring journey. I would rather it be an adventure. Why not take the scenic route? Why not take the road less traveled or the one that has more sunshine? Or, as Rex suggested when I mentioned this, why not get off the train and walk. If you see a beautiful vista, bask in it, make it last longer. Who said you had to speed past it? My check-list? Mom was right when she would make me put down my pencil and close my book and require that I go with her to the beach. Do something you want to do.
Rex even admitted yesterday that he too feels unfulfilled. There is something missing. Something big. We have suppressed our yellow and violet parts and allowed our tan or blue parts to drive our lives. We are out of balance.
In my patriarchal blessing, it says "I bless you that you might have a sense of perspective, that you may always place first things first in your life and recognize that which is most important." I think some recent experiences have given me a wake up call and helped me re-prioritize my life. There is a time and season for all things, and I had believed that MY time and season would have to wait till the kids were fully grown. But I've realized that it doesn't have to wait that long. They are not babies anymore and don't need all of me. I am allowed to focus my efforts elsewhere now. I may not be able to give 100% of my time and energy into pursuits of my choice, but I don't have to give up that 100% to them anymore. As life changes, so do priorities, and mine had timed-out. They need updating. Now is the time to get reacquainted with yellow. And with any luck, Rex will join me.
Question is: where do I find the money, and how do I do things I think are fun when I still have kids around? Hasn't that always been the question?
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