Friends

Throughout my whole life, I felt like I have had very few friends. Real friends. Maybe I'm just picky. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe it has to do with my trust and commitment issues. Or maybe I've just been burned so many times that I don't consider people my friends until they've proven their loyalty. But when I call someone my friend, I really mean acquaintance because nearly all my relationships with others feel shallow.

A few months ago, I read someone's definition of what a true friend is and it resonated with me like nothing I'd ever heard about friendship. Her description of a true friend is someone whose relationship means enough to work through a conflict to maintain or improve that level of friendship.

As I read her blog post, I realized that the reason I felt friendless was because a friend, to me, IS that deep. We call each other friends, but unless that person is someone I can count on at all times, who loves me for who I am despite our differences, who values my opinions which oppose their own, who forgives me when I have wronged them, and who does not judge me or hold my mistakes against me, and who is not envious or trying to one-up me...then they are really only acquaintances in my book. (Hmmm, that sounds like 1 Corinthians 13:4. A tall order, I know, but I'm not asking for anything I'm not willing to do myself.)

I have one other requirement for a person to be considered my friend: time. I cannot feel connected to a person without spending one-on-one quality time with them. I would assume it is true for everyone, but because that is my "love language," it is absolutely essential for me in cultivating a relationship. And I guess that is probably the number one reason I feel alone; I have no chance to spend exclusive time with anyone outside my immediate family.

This is not a pity party post. This is my declaration that life is lonely, even when you have lots of people you casually call friends. To change that, I know I need to be the friend I want them to be to me. Life is busy, especially when you have kids, and it makes it hard to find the time to cultivate relationships outside the home. But that's my goal right now: expand my circle beyond this house.

I know I'll get burned in the process. That has always been the way of girls in my life. But it's high time I let myself get hurt again. The only way to live is to put yourself on the line, risk it, feel it, and come what may. And in the process, maybe I'll come across a genuine soul or two. And if not, at least I'll have tried.

I was spoiled growing up with brothers. Girls tend to chew you up and spit you out. I do not think it is worth it to stay in a relationship with someone who will slap me at every turn, and that's why I've tended to keep people at arm's length; I will not beg them to stay when their company is not worth keeping. Conflict can be worked through, but continued abuse cannot be tolerated; I believe I am worth better than most female friends have treated me. But I'm going to break with tradition now, and tear down my fences again.

I can't avoid drama forever, so here's to letting my many acquaintances be my friends. Let's see what happens.