When I was about 6 years old, Mom and Dad created something called Special Kid Night where they would rotate which one of them took one of the kids out one-on-one each week. I don't remember much about it or how long it lasted, but I do know it left an impression on me, even if my turn would only come up every 5 weeks. I don't know if I suppressed memories from when I was little or if people just can't remember that far back. I only remember one date with my dad when he took me to the father-daughter dance in Kindergarten and I was so moody that we left and went to Chuck-E-Cheese where I still acted like a brat. But for some reason, this is one of the few memories I've held onto about my Dad. I also remember going to the movies with my dad to see Big Bird Gets Lost (or something like that) but I can't remember if it was one-on-one or with my brothers too.
In an attempt to get a handle on Megan's poor behavior, I wanted to try positive discipline using a star chart and my mom suggested the reward of one-on-one time, thus was born our Dates with the James and Megan. I have a white board that we award stars for good behavior and take them away for bad. When one of them reaches 10 stars, they get a date with either Mom or Dad.
The kids get so excited about getting stars, but taking them away only intensifies their fussing. Simply warning them or threatening to take a star away will increase their fits. It doesn't seem to be a big enough incentive to behave better. And now if I compliment them, they automatically feel justified in getting a star and will fuss if I don't give them one. It reminds me so much of the way they thank us for doing nice things: fussing when it's over or gone.
And it certainly hasn't created an alternative to time-outs for Megan. I really don't know if she is terrified to be alone in a room or if it's a manipulative ploy. But whatever the case, I have to put her in another room for my own sanity. Heaven knows a mother is not allowed her own time-out because the kids will follow her and pound on the door and scream, which does not remove Mom from whence her anger stems; I must remove the instigator or I will do something I regret.
The dates themselves are hard to come up with and end up eating a hole in our wallets. It can't be something we do all the time like taking them to Barnes and Noble, the Mall playground, McDonalds, or the Library. There, they wouldn't interact with us anyway and Megan won't actually play anywhere other than the library without James there. The freezing weather makes parks and walks and outdoor sports impossible. The kids don't like ice cream, and Megan the non-eater, will only take one bite of a treat anyway.
My first date with Megan was taking her to the farther-away mall because they have a carousel and a pet store - or so I thought. The pet store went out of business and now I don't think they have any pet stores in all of Oklahoma City metro. Megan rode the carousel 3 times, but she didn't look like she was having fun. She is often impassive, so I shouldn't have been so surprised when she wanted to keep riding, despite any hint of smile. I tried to get a chocolate shake because she likes them at McDonalds, but Sonic and Chick-fila are just gross all-around. She was terrified of the little kiddie rides you drop 2 quarters in. So we walked around and then went home. She screamed and cried the whole way home and got sent to her room when we walked in the door. But she talked about her date for 2 weeks afterwards as if she had enjoyed it!
Rex's first date with James was taking him to Perfect Swing, the lame Family Fun Center they have here. He played a little air hockey with Dad, but then he was too distracted by the giant projector screen that plays Hannah-Barbara cartoons so he wouldn't play in the Kid-Climb-it thing or anything else. Then a swarm of daycare kids came and it was too chaotic to play. So Rex took him to Walmart where they got chips and soda and munched together in the front seat of the car. Rex let him ride shotgun on the way home, thus creating a new battle for me every time James got in the car and had to sit in his booster seat in back. But he talked about his date for a week too.
Megan's next date with Dad was to go to Barnes and Noble and sit and read with her and get a chocolate shake at McDonalds. I had suggested this one but Rex never made it to the book store because Megan said she didn't want to go. Instead of going through the drive-through like I suggested, they went inside where Megan refused to eat or play and Rex ended up drinking all her shake and eating all her fries. It was icy outside and she wouldn't wait for Dad to help her out of the car so she bit the pavement before coming up the stairs and was a wreck for the rest of the evening.
James' date with me was seeing Happy Feet at the movie theater and eating nachos. Despite the huge expense, I thought it was going well until half way through the movie when he wanted to go home. I thought this might happen because he doesn't like to sit still that long, but I was enjoying it and selfishly made him stay till the end. He seemed to enjoy it enough to put up with it, but seemed grateful to go at the end until we got in the car and he threw a fit because we had to go home. But he told everyone at church and school about the date for the next week.
After that, Megan earned another date, but sickness, ice storms, and other engagements postponed the date for 2 weeks and when I tried to take her today, she couldn't stop throwing her fit and we ran out of time. Since it had been so long since she had earned it and had been behaving poorly ever since, I didn't want her to think she'd just earned it recently so we decided to negate that one. We'll just start over again.
For the last 2 weeks, they've lost stars as fast as they earned them. This has been somewhat of a relief because Rex and I both hate the time we spend going on these dates because they feel like failures while we are doing it and get no thanks in return. Like I said, it is a drain on our wallet. And it is so hard to come up with something they'd actually like doing. Then there is my unjustified and selfish resentment that they get one-on-one dates with us but Rex and I don't ever get to go on dates together because a babysitter and the event itself is just WAY too expensive, not to mention we are too sleepy by the time we'd actually get to leave the house. (If we went while they were awake, it would have horrible repercussions on Megan's behavior that I don't want to deal with and have to reprogram at this point in my life.) Because of this date thing with the kids, Rex and I see less of each other.
I am ready to chuck the Date reward because it feels like it is backfiring. I think our Saturdays are better spent doing a family thing rather than trying to fulfill our Date commitments to our kids. It's a good idea in theory and maybe it will work when they are older. But right now, it just feels like punishment for me and Rex.
No comments:
Post a Comment