Terrible Twos?

I can’t say that Megan is in her Terrible Twos, because her bad behavior is only a fraction of James’ Terrible Twos and Threes. But it would be nice to label her behavior as a phase, believing that she would grow out of it. Unfortunately, I think she's going to be a high maintenance person her whole life. Besides, if she’s going through her Terrible Twos, she started it when she was born. She’s always been fussy and defiant. It has only intensified some.

Unlike James, Megan's fits are not from frustration or lack of communication skills or understanding. Megan is torn between independence and dependence. Half the time, she wants us to do things for her that she can do on her own like picking up her bankie on the floor or putting on her shoes. Other times, she gets mad when we do things for her and insists on doing it herself (even if it is beyond her capability like buckling her seat belt that is deep between two carseats and is hard even for Mom and Dad to do). Other than that, I truly believe she just wants to make us angry. Why would she solicit negative attention when we give her plenty of positive attention? How could she feel jealous of Isaac when we seem to give her so much more attention (since Isaac is so much more content and doesn't demand as much as her)?

Counting to 3 no longer works and she isn’t interested in anything for privilege deprivation to do any good, so I have resorted to spanking in addition to putting her in her room. (I never wanted to start spanking because it is too close to actual hitting and I’m afraid I’ll be too rough when I’m angry.) Time outs/banishments to her room only escalate her fits if we don’t intervene; if we open her door before she gets too worked up, she stops on a dime; if we let her cry it out, she can’t stop for anything. She cries so much that I never take her seriously if she claims to be hurt or something. Thankfully, when we have to leave from some place she likes, her fear of being left behind overrides her desire to throw a fit and she will follow, even though she may scream and flop down and then get up and follow with more screaming, and repeat.

But I don’t know what to do about getting her to sit in her car seat correctly. The one she graduated to (in order to give Isaac the next step up) is probably too big for her, but I can’t afford to buy another. And they only make car seats bigger and bulkier than before so a new one would be even harder to fit in the car. For some reason, she hates the seatbelt and slinks down under it or flops around till she’s out of the shoulder strap. Pulling over and slapping her foot and refusing to proceed on the drive is only a temporary fix. I have to pull over constantly and when I have to be somewhere, I cannot afford to do that.

I am hoping that a reward chart will work. I haven't figured out how I'm going to work it yet, but I think I'll use a white board and draw stars or something by the kids' names for good behavior and erase them for bad behavior. (So what happens if there are no more points to take away? Give them negative points? Would that be counterproductive?) But what reward would either of them like to work towards that we don't already give them and that they'd actually care for? I take the kids fun places whenever I can so that wouldn't be anything extra. Treats and stickers are out. I'll have to think on it.