The Choice Is His

Dear Readers: I fear you may find this offensive because you may think I am blaming or attacking the kids with whom mine associates. However, please note that I do not think poorly about those kids. On the contrary, I believe they are in the same sad boat mine is and probably feel just as friendless and miserable.

Part of the reason I chose to homeschool James was to remove him from the bullying environment. We tried different things, but nothing seemed to help. I think the most practical solution was from the book "Bullyproof," but even in that book, the author admitted that someone with an Autism Spectrum Disorder was not very likely to be able to develop the social hardware necessary to quit being a victim. So I needed a more controlled environment where I could set up social situations and eek out social lessons. (I'd really, really like to take him to Stone Oak Therapy Services where they specialize in exactly this sort of thing.)

It is for a similar reason that I chose to remove him from scouts. Actually, that was his decision. We discontinued cub scouts a couple years ago due to meltdowns and outbursts, in addition to the fact that I felt overwhelmed with spending 3 hours a day with him on homework, taking him to Social Skills Therapy on Monday and Capoeira on Tuesday and Thursday, and Cub Scouts on Wednesday...and all while Rex was in Houston. So I cut out Cub Scouts to simplify things. Since we do neither the Social Skills Therapy anymore (stopped taking Medicaid/Chip), nor Capoeira, I wanted to try Boy Scouts again. At age 11, James is much more mature and in control of himself than he was before. And when he turns 12, he will go into Young Mens, so I wanted to get him used to a mid-week activity. Besides, he loves learning scouting/survival type skills. And because Megan turned 8 and began going to Activity Day Girls at the church at the same time, it was an easy time to reintroduce him to the scouting program.

Unfortunately, nothing has improved. The boys in the group are the same boys as before, of course. And therefore, it's just as bad, if not worse, than before. I am not saying that it's entirely their fault, because I know perfectly well that James is not an easy person to get along with. But almost every single boy in his age group at church is just as socially/behaviorally challenged as he is -- whether they have some sort of diagnosis or not.

After having to soothe his breakdowns each of the other times he went, I decided that if it hurt me to see him hurting so much, why put him through it? So when given the choice whether or not to go to Scouts on Wednesday, he vehemently shakes his head and says, "no way!" I don't want him to hate Scouts. I don't want Wednesday night to be something he dreads. And I most certainly don't want to burn the bridge before he officially starts Mutual on Wednesdays at age 12.

I remember when I was his age and I absolutely hated going to church because I was too old for Primary. All kids are too old at age 11 to sit with the little kids and sing songs and play their games. Even kids who are developmentally 2 years behind are too old for it. It's hard enough for a kid to sit through Sacrament Meeting for over an hour listening to adults talk at the podium about adult things. And then to make them sit for another 2 hours through Primary classes is like adding more layers of torture. His younger days were much worse in that sense, and he has grown so obedient and has adapted so well to all the supposed-to's. But it doesn't make it pleasant, and lately, he's been having a harder and harder time enduring it. He will wander out of class, crying either out of boredom or feeling rejected or out of place. I was torn between letting him stay with me in the library or making him go back to class. Now that I will no longer be in the library, I can't give him that option and he'd have to go with his dad if need be.

The worst part is that the boy who James claimed as his best friend several years ago has become quite the opposite; Aspergers though the other boy is (unofficially;without the label), he has not been coached in social skills or social thinking and has in fact become harder to handle. The very boy with whom James could finally identify is now so far removed from his level. Being told to shut up over and over again, being shoved into a bunch of chairs, being talked over and told he is wrong or stupid feels familiarly like the bullying he experienced from the "normal" boys. It feels so much worse coming from someone he used to call a friend. I can't entirely be mad at the boy, since he's acting out the typical thoughtless Asperger traits I have worked so hard to help my own overcome. James wants desperately to have friends. He even asks to play with specific kids he already knows he can't deal with. He is mostly content to be alone, but even Aspies want to feel like they belong.

Normally, I'd say he just needs to suck it up and endure till he turns 12 and graduates out of Primary. But this is different. The father of the bully next door used to say "boys will be boys." And I hear from other parents and leaders at church that "boys that age are all messed in the head, but they'll grow out of it." No, not these ones. These are not your normal boys. These are nearly all boys with a similar problem. And since all these teachers are laypersons, no one has any training or experience in handling them. I am not qualified any more than they are. I am not a kid-person and am not comfortable in Primary anyway. I can handle my own, but I wouldn't know how to contain and control 5 flavors of this type of thing. (And it doesn't help when you allow a 20-yr-old of the same disorder to run interference. But I'm not going to go into that right now.) We've had joint meetings regarding special needs individuals, but it seems so pointless. I am not blaming anyone and I certainly couldn't offer a solution for the whole. But I must find some solution for my own child.

One of these days, James will realize he has a choice. And when he does, I'm going to allow him to make it. I am not going to force him to go to Mutual or Scouts. I am not going to force him to go to church even. When I was younger, I always felt conflicted about whether or not a parent should force their children to do these things since we claim that all men are free to choose for themselves. But it would honestly be in James' best interest NOT to go. Church should be a place of safety, a haven where you can feel loved and accepted. But to force him to remain in an unfriendly, uncomfortable, even hostile environment would only push him away from the very source of comfort he should embrace. I know first hand what it's like to be rejected by those people at church you think should be your friend. For me, I could still stand alone at church because I know that the Gospel is true and that God loves me. People are people, and I don't go to church to be with them. But for a child who has not yet learned for himself and internalized such faith, there is absolutely no way I'm going to force it upon him so that he resents it and turns away from God. He may be a rule-boy who wants so much to gain mom and dad's approval, and it may take him a long time before he decides not to participate, but I foresee him coming to a crossroads someday. And when he does, I don't want to stand in his way. For his sake, I almost want it to be sooner rather than later.